


The Aftermath of Losing Jared Padalecki

by WaywardSonsAndBlazingGuns



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Aftermath, Gen, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 09:58:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6074907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaywardSonsAndBlazingGuns/pseuds/WaywardSonsAndBlazingGuns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was forced to do this. It's simple and hopefully not too heart-wrenching. Just ... life after Jared I guess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Aftermath of Losing Jared Padalecki

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Lay Your Weary Head To Rest](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5968215) by [WaywardSonsAndBlazingGuns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaywardSonsAndBlazingGuns/pseuds/WaywardSonsAndBlazingGuns). 



Some said it took four months, some said six, some said a year or even two at most. That’s the amount of time it would take for a person to get over someone they had lost.

Liars, the lot of them.

Jensen knew the actual answer: Never.

There was a hole in his heart, a giant mother freaking hole that was going to become a permanent part of him. Like a scar that’s become part of your body now, and you identify with it, you know it’s there, sometimes you forget, sometimes you run your hand over the scar repeatedly and wince at the memory, the ghost of the pain you once felt at touching it.

In the beginning, it was nothing but whiskey and tears. Jensen would wake up in the morning, feeling like normal good ol’ Jensen. And then he would lie in bed for a few seconds, brows furrowed. Finally, it would hit him fresh every single morning that a piece of him was missing, that he felt … empty, incomplete ...hollow.

He would feel this way for a while and then calmly reach down, hand grasping at air, before confidently grasping at the bottle of whiskey under his bed. He would take a swig and try to stuff the hole with memories, whiskey, and even other people.

It never worked.

  
After a while, Jensen tried and got his act together. Built a series of new masks: some for the fans, some for family, and some for people who would visit and ask about Jared and how Jensen was doing now. Jensen was hiding his grief by throwing himself into acting. But not on screen. He acted day in and day out. But not for money. For the sake of an image. For the sake of the people around him.

He loved Danneel. He loved his daughter. He loved Gen. And Thomas. And Sheppard.

His family. His friends.

But he didn’t love them the way he loved Jared. Not quite.

Because that? That was different. That was perfection.

This thought often made Jensen scowl. The world never lets perfection last. That’s the way it is, it’s always _too good, too pure_ to last.

It had been a little over a year since Jared had passed. Immediately after though, Gen’s parents had insisted that she move a little closer to family. But she said she was fine in Austin. The boys loved it here and so did she. Jensen and Danneel and JJ were as good as immediate family.

When Tom and Shep had overheard a phone conversation of Gen’s they rushed over and banged on Jensen’s door, “UNKIE JENSEN OPEN THE DOOR!”

Hearing their panicked voices, Jensen threw the door open and each boy latched themselves to Jensen’s legs, “We’re not leaving!”

“What on earth are you boys talking about?” Jensen inquired once he’d managed to pry them off and pick them up.

“Mom says we’re eeving Autin!” Shep squealed, tears glistening in his eyes

“Hey, are those tears I see?” Jensen wiped them off gingerly, “You boys aren’t going anywhere, don’t worry. You’ll stay here for as long as you want to.”

“But-“, Tom hiccupped

“Don’t you worry, I’m sure you guys aren’t leaving forever – maybe it’s just a visit to grandma’s for a few days.”

The two seemed convinced and clambered down eventually, scampering off and back out into the yard. He smiled faintly, Jared made sure the boys loved staying outside, exploring, poking, prodding at nature; they once surprised Gen with a shoebox full of snails. She tried her best not to discourage them but Jared was fighting off laughter and Gen was three seconds away from dumping them over his perfect head.

This was the next stage. After finally easing up on the bottle and leaving the house when he had to and doing everyday tasks when he was required to, Jensen found it increasingly difficult to not flinch every time something simple reminded him of Jared. Everything was somehow linked to a memory, a thought … sometimes it would wash over Jensen slowly but at times the wave would hit him at full force, throwing him under, drowning him. He’d lose himself in a memory, in a thought until it would fade away, the wave would recede, leaving him, gasping for air and grasping at nothing.

Jensen burned his hand three weeks ago; back when he believed he had a firmer grip on himself. Danneel had been patient with him, everyone had but not as much as she had.

He figured he’d make her breakfast. Nothing too over the top … an omelet, bacon, toast, orange juice. Basic. Simple.

Jensen lost himself in an old memory that hadn’t surfaced in forever. Back when Jared and Jensen shared a house in Vancouver … the countless mornings they’d laze around doing nothing until their stomachs forced them to the kitchen and they’d fix themselves a heavy brunch…

He blinked and found himself in a chair, the house smelling like burnt breakfast and Danneel tending to his hand with tears in her eyes.

Jensen ran his uninjured hand over his face, realizing what had happened, he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Danneel glanced up at him, brows bunching together and lips quivering, she held his face between her hands and leaned her forehead against his, “its okay.”

“It’s not though….”

“I miss him too.” there was a beat of silence, “It’s like I lost you with him.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m tired of waking up every day and losing you over and over again.”

“I’ll try harder, Dee. I promise.”

* * *

Life, Jensen begrudgingly admitted, went on. Movies and sequels and TV shows and sports and politics and global warming and terrorism and all of it, the good, the bad and the ugly continued its progress, the Earth spun about its axis and everything stayed the same.

Jensen missed him, and he knew he always would. Jensen loved him and knew there was no changing that either. It was simply the matter of sighing and resigning, submitting to life’s tug on him and moving along. It took him pretty long, but he sort of got the hang of it.

There was a greater responsibility on his shoulders now. He had to look out for Gen and the boys now more than ever, he had to look out for Danneel and JJ too. He had to give in to the noise of everyday life. It wasn’t like he’d never be happy again, Jensen knew that.

He laughed at what was funny, he smiled when the kids made him proud, Christmases and New Years and birthdays and weddings would of course always be happy occasions … but part of him always looked for Jared in the room and his heart would always break at the realization that the only Jared in the room was the one in the photo frame, not in the flesh.

He broke down several times when he had excellent news to share, and halfway through running to the house or dialing the number that was ingrained in his head, he would remember. That always hurt the most.

“It always hurts the same, Jensen. Every _single_ time. But we get used to it. Being hit by it every morning gets easier because you learn to carry the weight of the grief. It becomes part of you …. Helps us grow.” Gen confessed to Jensen once on Christmas Eve, when he found her doubled over in grief in Jared’s office.

”Still sucks.” He grumbled.

She wiped her tears with the back of her hand and smiled, “It does, yeah.”

She had only come there to get something but stayed because of the memories. They sat on the floor in Jared’s office (which still smelled like him), and talked about how much it sucked (because it did) and wiped each others tears and held each other up (Because there was nothing else they could do)

* * *

  
It was Wednesday, a week before Jared’s birthday and it was too hot for the kids to play outside. Tom was 9 now, JJ was 8 and Shepherd was 7. Jensen was so grateful for the connection that the three of them had, they seemed to have grown impossibly closer since Jared passed. There was no rift or drifting apart between any of the kids or between the families in general.

Jensen was going to JJ’s room to tell the kids to do their homework because they had something planned for the evening but on his way there, he froze, grip tightening on the railing.

He could hear voices. Not just any damn voices either, it was _Jared’s_ voice. _Again_.

Shaking his head angrily, Jensen made it to his daughter’s room and was about to knock when he heard it again.

Laughter. Jared’s laughter. … and was that … music?

It had to be. Because Jared’s laughter was simply … Jared’s. Couldn’t be replicated or imitated. It was always alive and carried so much emotion and joy within it. It always stole the breath from his chest and never gave it back. Jensen was one for silent laughter … the one with the shaking shoulders and the crossed eyes. But Jared was able to pull it out of him every damn time.

His heart beat kicked up a few notches, his hands began to shake and he slowly pushed the door open.

It was JJ’s room, same as ever … and no sign of Jared (Of course not you _idiot_ )

The three kids sat huddled around an iPad, on _Youtube_ for Christ’s sake. Watching some video. Jensen rolled his eyes and told the kids to do their homework and put the iPad aside cause they were all heading out that night.

There were whoops of joy before the kids rushed past him to get their backpacks.

Jensen stared at the abandoned iPad on the floor before picking it up.

He saw himself on screen.

For a second he was horrified because he seriously needed to know what these kids were watching. God knows how many embarrassing (Or inappropriate) things the internet has of him.

Then he saw the title:  
You Always Make Me Smile (J2)

He pressed play.

He smiled fondly at the clips put together from various blooper reels. There he was … Jared. Alive, laughing as always, eyes bright, cheeks dimpled, ridiculous hair in his face … _why was Jensen’s face wet all of a sudden_? …

Jensen was crying.

Of course he was goddamn it because there was a stupid fucking fanvideo on the goddamned screen with stupid cheesy music and he missed Jared _okay_?

Because yeah he misses his messy hair and he doesn’t know _why_ he loves him and _why_ he makes him smile and every single lyric of the stupid song in the blasted video. Jared slapped his ass on the video and Jensen (the one watching) laughed.

He laughed through his tears because … yeah, Jared _does_ always make him smile.

Jensen looked around for headphones and plugged them in and wasted an hour (Maybe two) watching every single video he could find by any fan ever. He thought his tear ducts would run dry at some point but they didn’t. And his heart was full to bursting with love for the man he fell for back when he was just twenty six.

He fell for the boy with the magic eyes that were green and gold and brown and blue all at once. For the boy who had brown hair that was too soft and too long and always in his eyes. For the boy who had the smile that made his heart skip a beat when it was at full power, with the teeth and the dimples and the _everything_. For the boy who worked too hard and gave too much and loved too hard but never enough when it came to loving himself. For the boy who saw beauty in everything but himself. For the boy who taught millions to keep fighting and fought till his own last breath. For the boy whose heart was too good, too big and too pure for a world that was far too corrupt to handle it. For the boy he saw grow into a man and a loving husband and father.

Jensen Ackles fell for the boy who made him laugh and smile and made him feel _alive_.

He fell for the boy who took it all away too.

 


End file.
